Thursday, October 1, 2015

Don't Read This


I was planning to update my blog either tonight or tomorrow night because I really suck at keeping this thing up-to-date and I'm trying to make positive changes in my life.  It's happening tonight because of reasons.  I'll do my best to remember to follow it up this weekend with a more thorough (and less depressing) update of my adventure in Taiwan, but anyway, onto the blog post.

(NOTE:  If you're reading this then you probably have some sense of my history, but if you are some random person from the Internet who found this blog and decided to read it, I welcome you to my madness.  I hope you won't be too confused! Either way, you can probably find a way to send me a Google message or carrier pigeon if you're really confused and need clarification.)

Today I received a reply to a message I sent a little while ago...

[multiple paragraphs of backstory and bitching deleted]

"What, you're not happy?"  No, not really.  Sure, I mean, there are moments.  Video games, writing, beer, exercise, reading...these things can bring some happiness.  I'm happy after I teach my Thursday afternoon class here in Taiwan because those kids are crazy-awesome.

Kids.  I'm not having any more.  That was a major reason that the wondertabulous girlfriend cited for wanting to end our LTR.  She assumed I wanted more kids, and she didn't want any.  I wish she and I could have had a conversation about all that, but it wasn't meant to be.  That's the thing, though.  I don't want more children.

[more nonsese deleted to improve readability]

"Dafuq?" you're probably thinking.  "Mikie, you love kids! You're pretty much the coolest father a kid could ever hope for.  How could you not want to have any more kids?"
In short, I don't want to go through the pain my divorce caused me ever again.  In fact, I would prefer to get a vasectomy before I get back into a serious relationship.  (NOTE: there's no rush on that, it's not like people are banging down my door to date me.)

However, I want to be in a relationship.  That's something else that's hugely important to me, that can make me happy, and that is sorely lacking in my life.  The way my ex-girlfriend made me feel...I hadn't felt like that in a long time.  She made me feel valued.  She made me believe in things again, things that the slow demise of my marriage had nearly extinguished.  And...she baked me cookies.  I daresay she loved me, and I know that I loved her.  And fuck me next Tuesday, I screwed it all up.  Now all I have are some amazing memories, a few pictures, and one tumblr message that brings tears to my eyes.  Ahem...moving on.

I know that she's not the only woman in the world.  If I'm lucky I might meet a person who will want to pursue a relationship with me.  Not every potential partner is going to be like my ex-wife, nor are they going to be like my ex-girfriend.  Those experiences have shaped me, though, there's no denying it.

Maybe someday I'll get another chance at love...but damn, I'm hard enough to explain to people now.  I can't imagine how much harder I'll be to explain when I'm 40...or 45...or older.  As for familiar faces, there are perhaps 2 people I would want to get back together with, and one or two I would definitely not.

Ok, I've rambled long enough.  If you read all of this, I probably owe you something.  Since I don't know if you're someone I know or just some random person on the Internet who found this blog and decided to read it, I think the safe thing to offer is coffee and conversation if we're ever co-located.  You've earned it!


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