I was planning to update my blog either tonight or tomorrow night because I really suck at keeping this thing up-to-date and I'm trying to make positive changes in my life. It's happening tonight because of reasons. I'll do my best to remember to follow it up this weekend with a more thorough (and less depressing) update of my adventure in Taiwan, but anyway, onto the blog post.
(NOTE: If you're reading this then you probably have some sense of my history, but if you are some random person from the Internet who found this blog and decided to read it, I welcome you to my madness. I hope you won't be too confused! Either way, you can probably find a way to send me a Google message or carrier pigeon if you're really confused and need clarification.)
Today I received a reply to a message I sent a little while ago...
[multiple paragraphs of backstory and bitching deleted]
"What, you're not happy?" No, not really. Sure, I mean, there are moments. Video games, writing, beer, exercise, reading...these things can bring some happiness. I'm happy after I teach my Thursday afternoon class here in Taiwan because those kids are crazy-awesome.
Kids. I'm not having any more. That was a major reason that the wondertabulous girlfriend cited for wanting to end our LTR. She assumed I wanted more kids, and she didn't want any. I wish she and I could have had a conversation about all that, but it wasn't meant to be. That's the thing, though. I don't want more children.
[more nonsese deleted to improve readability]
"Dafuq?" you're probably thinking. "Mikie, you love kids! You're pretty much the coolest father a kid could ever hope for. How could you not want to have any more kids?"
In short, I don't want to go through the pain my divorce caused me ever again. In fact, I would prefer to get a vasectomy before I get back into a serious relationship. (NOTE: there's no rush on that, it's not like people are banging down my door to date me.)
However, I want to be in a relationship. That's something else that's hugely important to me, that can make me happy, and that is sorely lacking in my life. The way my ex-girlfriend made me feel...I hadn't felt like that in a long time. She made me feel valued. She made me believe in things again, things that the slow demise of my marriage had nearly extinguished. And...she baked me cookies. I daresay she loved me, and I know that I loved her. And fuck me next Tuesday, I screwed it all up. Now all I have are some amazing memories, a few pictures, and one tumblr message that brings tears to my eyes. Ahem...moving on.
I know that she's not the only woman in the world. If I'm lucky I might meet a person who will want to pursue a relationship with me. Not every potential partner is going to be like my ex-wife, nor are they going to be like my ex-girfriend. Those experiences have shaped me, though, there's no denying it.
Maybe someday I'll get another chance at love...but damn, I'm hard enough to explain to people now. I can't imagine how much harder I'll be to explain when I'm 40...or 45...or older. As for familiar faces, there are perhaps 2 people I would want to get back together with, and one or two I would definitely not.
Ok, I've rambled long enough. If you read all of this, I probably owe you something. Since I don't know if you're someone I know or just some random person on the Internet who found this blog and decided to read it, I think the safe thing to offer is coffee and conversation if we're ever co-located. You've earned it!